Somewhere between “Pretty Woman” and “Fifty Shades of Grey,” we lost some sensibility when it comes to what we should do with (or to) people at work. We went from not mixing business with pleasure to, “OMG! There’s this guy/girl at my job.” Somehow the boss and employee relationship became so blurred that the words “consensual” and “sexual harassment” became difficult to differentiate.

And while I can blame the human beings involved, and the hair brained decisions that they make on a daily basis, I’m gonna cop out and blame the movies.

Movies have ruined our understanding about what is appropriate behavior when it comes to our co-workers, employees and bosses. We have romanticized the idea of staying late after work and the boss walks in, tie slightly undone, leans against the door jamb as he clenches his strong, chiseled jaw, slightly revealing his dimple, asking why you, the intern, never go home with everyone else. Or we love the idea of the “frumpy” secretary, who does everything to “keep the office afloat,” is revealed to be a sexy, reformed ugly duckling at the office Christmas party, thereby validating your feelings all along.

Or maybe it’s your assistant that always knows what kind of coffee you drink, who picks up your dry-cleaning, who keeps your schedule, and you suddenly realize you have feelings for them when the two of you pull an all-nighter, glancing up from the conference table and locking eyes, and even though you have a fiancée and they are in a relationship, surely fate has brought you together at this very moment.

No. Nope. No. All of the No’s that ever Noped.

Stop. Believing. Movies. Movies are fiction. And whether yours are in the theatre, or on your flat screen TV, or on your computer; or whether they are action, or suspense, or…..you know….underscored with a heavy bass guitar line (not judging) Movies. Are. FICTION! Even if it’s based on a true story…fiction.

Forming a relationship at work is already a terrible idea. But forming a relationship with your boss and/or employee…WORST IDEA EVER!!

Shhh, stop! No. It’s not romantic. Stop. There is no scenario, in real life, where it is appropriate for a person in power’s and their subordinate’s lips to touch, or their clothes come off.

NOPE! Stop. I don’t care what is happening at your current job. Stop it! You are living vicariously through your favorite movie. It is inappropriate! And aside from the fact that I’m almost certain the majority of you have never actually read your employee manual regarding the “Fraternization Policy,” it’s just a bad idea to mix your social life and your work life.

“But it’s not work, we’re family!” Well, stop being incestuous!

Do not date/kiss/flirt/have sex with/pinch the butt of/show your cookies to your co-workers, assistants, bosses, employees, lawyer, parole officer, co-star…. like seriously…don’t!

Here is the hard truth: The only reason why you all even have “feelings” for each other is because you have to stare at each other ever single day. That’s it. You can say all day that isn’t the reason, but it is. So, you are pursuing a relationship due to proximity. You’re a proximisist! And no matter what your favorite movie has taught you, it’s gonna end badly.

Your assistant gets your coffee right every morning because it’s their JOB
Your secretary is amazing at keeping things organized because it’s his/her JOB

Your co-worker makes you laugh and tells jokes and winked at you that one time…STOP…inappropes! Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. You all are at work!

“And other duties,” in your job description does not mean you can have sex with the people you work with, or for, or who work for you. STOP IT!

NO, you all are not different.
NO, I don’t need to understand the dynamics of your relationship.
NO, you all aren’t more mature than the other folk out here making mistakes.

To reference one of my favorite sayings while still keeping this as PG as possible:

“It is imperative that you don’t defecate where you receive sustenance and libations.”

Yeah…that’s what I meant.

So, all those movies you love where the boss/employee relationship turned into an amazing romance that led to the wedding…nope.

Bye, Bye Birdie….Hello, Nope

Secretary…. Sir, you have a call on line NO!

Love Actually…. Actually, all of the NO’s

Jerry McGuire…You complete the Nnnnope

No Reservations…I’d like steak with a side of Uh Uh.

The Proposal…..love Ryan…but NO!

Every Hallmark Movie Ever Made!……NOOOOOOO! NOOOOO! NOOOOO!

It’s not real life, people. Stop being a proximisist!

If you really want to try a relationship with that person, quit your job.

What? What’s that you say? They’re not worth it?

Exactly!

You know I’m right.

 

-Danita LaShelle