1. Announcing your departure from social media….on social media

We get it. Somebody or something ticked you off, and in a fit of your emotionally driven decision-making, you’re virtually storming out and slamming the door. Here’s the thing, we all know you’re coming back. You’re like the person that swears off relationships after a bitter divorce, then gets married later because they met the right person. Relax! If you want to get off social media, just do it. Otherwise, filter your timeline/friends and keep on stepping.

2. Inboxing stories or videos with the caption “Make this go viral.”

Apparently you don’t know how social media works, so let me explain: For something to “go viral” it can’t be in someone’s inbox. Viral pictures, statuses, and videos become such when they are shared publicly. On a related note, stop trying to force your stuff to go viral. Put it on your own page and allow the sharing to happen organically. Trust me…it works.

3. Using a website that requires your Facebook information, then being surprised when it does stuff without your permission or you get hacked.

You know that “Terms and Conditions” tab that you clicked the box next to…go read that. The reason that cute little application can produce stuff with your name/profile picture on it is because it literally has all your information….that you gave them. Now, all your friends are getting these funny inbox messages, or new friend requests with your profile picture, or my personal favorite, your new year’s resolutions/what you’ll end the year with. There are plenty of quizzes and games online that don’t require any additional info from you. Stop using the ones that require you to click that familiar blue button. It’ll save you that awkward conversation you have to have with your wife after it posted that you’ll end the year with “A New Girlfriend.

4. Not Googling things before you post them

I just—I can’t—Why do I still have to tell you this!!! This should not still be a thing! This should have died in 2016 and yet here you are still posting memes and news stories that are not true. It literally takes less than a second for Google to produce results…less than a second! And don’t cop out with, “Someone tell me if this is true!” caption either. You have fingers!!! USE THEM!!! I mean really, people. You are an adult. Do better!

5. Playing the pronoun game in a status

If you can’t name names, don’t post it. If you aren’t allowed to talk about it, don’t post it. If you’d get in trouble if we all knew whom or what you were talking about, don’t post it. If you know that naming names would lead to a brawl in the parking lot because someone would be screaming, “Keep my name outcha mouth,”…don’t post it. You are too old to be throwing shade at someone, or prematurely announcing the death of another, if you don’t have the authority to use their name. Period. And in a loosely related note: stop telling us you have news that you’ll post later. Just post the news when you get it.

6. Frivolous business boycotts.

Whoa…before you get all “How dare she undermine the struggle of—“ I’m not talking about boycotts that are warranted. I’m talking about the one where you went to a place of business that one time, and this one time, the rude waiter, that you got by happenstance, takes their bad day out on you, and now you want all of your friends on social media to boycott the Chili’s at the corner of Bryce and 1^st even though you talked to nary a manager or anyone at the corporate office. Calm down. Take a breath. Practice the power of pause. Maybe if you hadn’t jumped to conclusions because you were hangry it wouldn’t have turned into the mess that it did. Maybe they aren’t racist, or misogynistic, or homophobic; maybe you caught them on the wrong day. Maybe. Also…ACCEPT APOLOGIES!! If they really are sorry, chill out!

7. Tagging people in pictures they aren’t actually in

Just tag us in the comments section. We’ll still see it.

8. Taking a survey among your social media friends on what you should do when you’re obviously sick

Listen. I get that you’re trying to see if other people have had the same symptoms as you, or your spouse, or your precious infant /toddler. But seriously, people: open wounds, burns, fevers, respiratory distress, blinding headaches, migraines lasting more than two days, anything related to your pregnancy, loss of consciousness…CALL. A. DOCTOR! Do not tweet or Facebook status serious medical conditions to see if you should rub honey and castor oil on it. NO! Call your doctor. If you don’t feel like you can call your doctor because your doctor is a jerk, get another doctor…then call that doctor! You over here about to have a medical emergency and you’re trying to find the right background color for your status. Stop it! Call your doctor!

9. Announcing that you’re about to purge your friend list, then confirming that if we can see the message, we’ve “made it.”

What are you, 8? You are too old to be playing this whole, “he’s not my friend anymore,” game. It looks ridiculous. Just delete them. You create more drama when you announce it. Half of the time the people you’re deleting don’t even realize it happened. But now that you’ve gone and announced it publicly, you’ve brought their attention to it, which leads to an inbox, which leads to a back and fourth, which then leads to a status where you say, “Some folks didn’t realize what I was talking about!” which leads us back to number 8. Just shut up and do it.

10. The cell phone wars

We get it, you love your Android/iPhone. We. Get it! At the end of the day, if it can make a blasted phone call, it really doesn’t matter what else it can do. Stop finding articles to show your Android/iPhone friend why they should have bought an iPhone/Android instead. Nobody cares! It’s just a phone! Stop worrying about how much someone paid for it, or how long they stood in line, or how the battery kept blowing up in….ok…well…that did actually matter. But everything else doesn’t matter.

11. Insisting that if people can do “this” then they can do “that.”

You don’t know them! Maybe the PTA meeting was scheduled the same day they had to stay late at work. Maybe they’re on a payment plan to pay for their phone. Maybe the shoes were a gift. Maybe the car was won at an auction. Maybe she did her own nails/hair. Stop trying to quantify a person’s care for something by measuring it against something you think they should care more about. It’s none of your business. You have no idea how much time they invest in the things you can’t see, nor do you have a right to judge them. And yes…I realize that the tone of this one was way more serious than the others…moving on.

12. Posting your relationship status without rings.

Trust me…don’t. It’ll save you the headache later.
You know I’m right.

I very much hope you have a happy and prosperous new year!

-Danita LaShelle