It was doomed from the start.
He showed up in a suit….she showed up having looked as though she just left the heaviest of metal concerts.
“Danita! How can you judge a person by how they’re dressed?”
Hush! I’m not. Her personality fit the outfit. Just like his personality fit his. And while I could only deduce that they met on some sort of app purporting 90% match success…it was obviously off base.
The inability to find a place to sit during the busiest part of the day was not a surprise. This quaint café was smaller than most, and seating was limited. I assessed the situation immediately and offered to split the dual tables I was occupying in order to provide….
You know what? This is you and me talking…. I separated the table I was sitting at and let them sit next to me. I truly did it to be nice, but it was a decision I celebrated and regretted all within the same millisecond.
I actually high-fived them (in my mind) for choosing coffee for their first meeting. He had obviously taken a lunch break for this first encounter; his black coffee order being the most predictable thing in that moment. Her choice? As complicated as the most frequent customer of the green mermaid would expect.
She was boisterous, talkative, and took every advantage to laugh as loud as she could. He…well, barely talked during many of her animated stories, nodded his head occasionally, and rarely laughed at the jokes that she made.
I, of course, had abandoned the work I was supposed to be doing and was fully, and covertly, engrossed in the entire exchange. Don’t judge me, they were literally inches from my table.
She was excited about this initial meeting. So sure of herself that she was making the most amazing of impressions, that she began to share intimate details of her life, her kid, her past experiences, the fact that her ex stalks her, that time she almost got kidnapped…
No…I’m not exaggerating…
And each passing detail she revealed, “wall street” would lean further and further away from her.
The bells in my head began to go off. I even contemplated meeting her at the bathroom door to tell her to dial it back when I realized that “Suit & Tie” took a sigh of relief when she went to visit the “little girl’s room.”
Upon her return, she asked if he’d like to cross the parking lot and get actual lunch.
Poor guy, he was incapable of lying and reluctantly agreed.
Just like you want to know the ending to this date, so did I. So yes, I literally sat at the café window “doing work” until they reappeared an hour later. (You’re welcome!)
Body language…it’s a thing. And based off of theirs, there would be no second date.
My position at the window allowed me to watch her get in the car and sit, obviously dejected. I hated it for her. By the look on her face, she was trying to figure out where she went wrong. Answer: At “Hello.” I predicted the date was doomed before it started. Don’t believe me? Scroll back to the top.
You know how most people giving relationship advice would take this opportunity to tell women to “Be a little bit more reserved” or “Maybe don’t share that much on the first date,” or “Maybe don’t dress like you literally just walked out of 90’s Metallica concert?”
This ain’t that post.
During her “sharing” she revealed to him that she had been on many dates, and for whatever reason, the guys never call her back.
And here she was again. Alone in her car.
I wish I could’ve tapped on her window. And I know exactly what I would have said:
“Sis, he doesn’t deserve a second date with you. Because with that second date, you would’ve been more reserved, quieter, less flashy, and not…well…you.
That second date would have made you pretend that you didn’t like certain types of music, or certain movies, and certain TV shows.
On that second date, you would’ve dimmed your light.
And that second date would have led to a relationship where you felt stifled and unfulfilled. And you would have given up more of yourself than you needed to in order to keep him, only to secretly resent him as you fought back your natural self in even the most comfortable of settings…
Which would have led to your true friends questioning what’s going on with you, why you’ve changed, and how come you don’t do the things that you love to do anymore…
Which would have led you to posting relationship quotes, videos and pics on social media to justify your change, even though you didn’t believe in any of it and it would be an obvious overcompensation for the void you felt deep down inside…
Which would have led to the break up that left you devastated, because not only is it a loss of a partner, but the discovery that after wasting two years with someone that wasn’t for you, you lost yourself because you were afraid to be alone.
Sis, if he doesn’t call after the first date…be grateful! There is someone who will love your heavy metal concert stories, and be fully engaged with the details of your everyday life. There’s someone out there that will fully appreciate that you laugh loud, tell corny jokes, and believe in not taking life so seriously. There’s someone out there that will genuinely like the person that you are, and will definitely call you again.”
I couldn’t tap on her window and tell her that.
So, I’m tapping on yours.
Celebrate that he doesn’t ask for a second date. It just brings you closer to finding the person that speaks your love language and frees you up to be with them instead.
You know I’m right.
Why yes… I did write a book about this.