(Microphone feedback) 

Trolls, Guy goofing off at work, Stay-At-Home-Mom hiding in her bathroom with her smartphone, Person who’s sworn off social media but secretly comes back everyday,

And to the 2018 graduating class of Medical Meme College. (Cheers and applause)

Wow, we actually made it. I can’t believe that just a few short years ago we suddenly, and without warning, embarked on an unprovoked and ill-advised health kick. Built on the shakiest and faultiest of foundations, we decided that it was time for us to matriculate into the school of making people question not only our sanity, but our common sense. (Light applause)

Some of us remember, that our journey began with helping facilitate the rumor that there was arsenic in apple juice, and that it could kill you. While others may have been responsible for perpetuating the idea that the sudden onset of a random food diet can cure every single cancer, no exceptions. Regardless of how we all started, we should all be proud to be at this very moment. (Applause.)

It hasn’t always been easy. I am reminded of those times we had to stay up late at night, finding the right meme to support our erroneous arguments. (Applause) I am reminded of those inbox messages we received from our so-called, “concerned friends” who allegedly had proof that what we had just posted was incorrect. (Applause) I am reminded of those phone calls where a person questioned why we posted something on social media that obviously wasn’t true because if it were, it would have made national news.

To those people we say, “No!” (No!)

No to the idea that we are going to look beyond a picture that has words on it in the ‘Avenir Next Condensed Demi Bold’ font; color: yellow. (Applause)

We say, “No!” (No!)

No to the idea of checking to see if the person that shared the meme on their platform is usually wrong and also thinks the world is flat. (Applause)

To those people we say, “No!” (No!)

No to the idea that we’re going to take it down after the overwhelming evidence that said meme is, in fact, egregious and reckless.

It is our job to ensure, no, incite a type of panic that our 600+ friends and followers have never experienced. So, to all you fact finders, we say, “No!” (Cheers/Applause)

As we move forward into our professional careers, we will continue to be the best at what we do. We will continue to argue with actual, board certified, medical professionals in our comment section. We will continue to refuse to use Google because we can’t figure out how to word the meme’s contents combined with the phrase “Is this true?” (Applause) We will continue to share the memes whose pictures were obviously taken out of context or are outright lies. And if the way seems bleak, when met with absolute, indisputable facts—we will continue to purport that websites like Snopes has an agenda that they also share with every single news media source in the world. (Cheers and Applause)

Instead of holding our head down low, we take pride!

We take pride in the fact that we’ve never truly read a legitimate medical study, and the ones we have read were only done once, tested less that 100 people, and was paid for by the people that are trying to make money off what they’re trying to prove wrong. (Applause)

We take pride in the fact that we’re using a screen shot to discourage people from doing something we’ve done numerous times…and are currently doing. (Applause)

We take pride in the fact that we have convinced a multitude of people that every single doctor, every single medication, and every single professional medical intervention has been solely created to kill them. No exceptions! (Cheers and applause)  

We are trying to ensure that everyone goes back to a time where there weren’t a lot of doctors, there wasn’t a lot of medicine, there weren’t a lot of major medical interventions; that beautiful time where the life expectancy was about 46 years of age. (Applause)

This class would like to take a brief moment to thank our parents. Those amazing people who we’ve confused with our posts, or we got the meme from them because their neighbor Karen told them about it. Thank you for supporting us through every single thing we’ve posted by sharing it on your page that you still don’t know how to fully navigate. (Applause) Without you, our memes wouldn’t generate as much attention. (Cheers and applause)

And now, (Cheers and applause) as we go online and tag people in pictures they are not in, (Cheers and applause) because that’s our shady way of trying to be seen in order to get more followers, (Cheers) I charge you to keep finding ways to attempt to invalidate those hardworking men and women who have actual medial degrees. I charge you to keep ignoring evidence. (Cheers) Keep refusing to believe that what you just posted was true maybe ten years ago, but because medicine is constantly evolving, it’s not true today. (Cheers) I charge you to convince a sick person to ignore genes, family history, environment, severity of illness, and yes, even their obvious demise, while disapprovingly shaking your head at them if they have a hard time believing something you have no way of proving. (Cheers)

Two thousand eighteen class of Medical Meme College, we are a thing! And we will continue to be a thing until either we, or a family member, gets sick; or until we come face to face with an actual, human person, who is willing to “go there” with us because they are just sick of our obvious stupidity. (Cheers)

Congratulations, you guys, we are the worst! (Standing ovation)

(Side-eye from me.)

You know I’m right.

-Danita LaShelle