You know what? I’ve had it! We’re not even 3 weeks into 2018 and y’all are already on social media complaining. “The gym is too crowded,” “I can only trust myself,” “No new friends,” “Everybody’s hating on my goals,” “The press won’t stop writing mean things about me.” Enough! Stop it! And if you’re unsure about whether I used a high-pitched, whiny voice when I wrote those phrases in quotes…you clearly don’t know me very well.
Ok! So your 2018 hasn’t started out the magnificent year that you, or your pastor, or your bae, or your drunk friend at that party promised you it would be. But there are literally 340+ more days. …Get cho life!
Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to address some common misconceptions at the beginning of this new year just so that we don’t have to talk about it later.
So you went vegan, huh? New Year’s resolution? Some random movie you got roped into watching online? You know what? I don’t care. We don’t care! Just do us a solid and stop COMPLAINING about it. Nobody told you to go vegan, it’s a choice. You made your tofu, now sleep in it…or….or eat it? (I’m still working through that one.) But if I can give you a piece of advice; come closer…
VEGETABLES ARE VEGAN!
C’mon people! Contrary to popular belief, everything on the face of the earth isn’t made of meat, eggs and milk. Eat some broccoli! Have some corn! Spread some avocado on some toast like the lady in that commercial! Go to your favorite restaurant and have a salad and a baked potato with pepper, salt and chives. Don’t like cooking?
Don’t. Be. Vegan!
And just so you know, you’re not vegan anyway! If you’re not meticulously reading the ingredients on the back of everything you bring home, or you’re conveniently ignoring that it “Contains: Milk, Eggs, Whey & Honey,” you’re just a narcissistic vegetarian.
But the fact that you’re complaining about something that you chose to do…c’mon!
Which brings me to another point:
MOVIES ARE FAKE!
What is it with you people? At what point did every single movie that ever came out have to be socially conscious staples in our society? Who made that rule? When was this meeting? What email did the memo go to?
Listen, I get it. I embrace those movies that take a magnifying glass to the microcosmic parts of humanity, thereby identifying chasms which have gone neglected in our society for so long that the harder questions have gone unanswered for years…
…but sometimes we just want to watch stuff blow up!!
Can that be ok? Is escapism still ok? Or are you people going to continue to force our heads underwater in the deep-end of the pool of reality? I’m tappin’ out, man! I want to be able to watch one or two cinematic features and not have to have philosophical discussions afterward about how this pertains to the greater good, or if the characters were portrayed positively against our present-day standards.
Sometimes I just want to watch a freakin’ car chase and hear Will Smith yell, “Wooooo!”
“But Danita…neither of these two things are related!”
Oh, yeah? Well….. you’re not related!!
(Breathes into bag)
I feel better.
I still love you.
You know I’m right.