You know what sentence I’m talking about. Let’s not act like you don’t.
“He was just being sarcastic!” some have exclaimed.
“It’s like you people can’t take a joke!” others have purported
“Oh, so now you all are gonna pull the race card!” people have lamented.
And there’s always my personal favorite:
“Well, if black people weren’t so violent—“
Can you hear me sighing audibly?
Here’s the thing, my Danitamites (Can we make that thing? No? Ok, that’s fine.)
Here’s the thing, people: while it is true that good sarcasm is in the eye of the beholder, at the end of the day, there are certain places where it doesn’t belong.
Don’t believe me? Well, next time you fly anywhere to any place in the known world, and the ticket attendant asks you if you’ve been in the possession of your bags the entire time, reply sarcastically with, “Oh no, actually. I let a guy who doesn’t speak English watch them while I went to go grab something to eat.” Make sure you use your best sarcastic voice…and then call me from the holding room at the airport to let me know how that worked out for you.
Or maybe if you’re babysitting someone’s child and they inquire about their kid being safe and you respond with, “Other than on Tuesdays when we let people off the street wander in to molest kids, they should be fine.” Let me know how hilarious that parent thought you were being…if you’re still conscious.
And let’s not play the “people today are just too sensitive” card. This is claim that people make to ‘prove’ to others that their skin is thicker, when in actuality, if someone caught you on a bad day you’d be outraged if you were the butt of their joke. Sometimes, people go too far.
Fact: It should be acceptable behavior to chastise a person that has gone too far.
Now, what you defenders of this now fired police officer don’t get is that there were soooooooo many different ways he could’ve ended that sentence. And because I’m a person who likes to help people, I’ve decided to just give you as many options as I can in case you yourself find yourself in this very situation…yourself. (I mean why not that sentence was already going south.)
So here it is:
How To End A Sentence Without It Being Racially Charged Or Insensitive Because C’mon This Occurred Days After The Castile Situation And You Should Have Known Better.
For The Dog Lover
We only kill fleas…we brake for dogs though.
For The Women’s Right Supporter
We only kill those who don’t take no for an answer.
For The Music Lover
We only kill in four-fourths time.
For The Grammar Lover
We only kill run-on sentences and comma, splices because when people do that it drives us absolutely crazy but that’s not something you’d understand so the joke, is lost.
For The Teacher Appreciator
We only kill those who can’t. (Calm down, the teachers will get it.)
For The Meat Eater
We only kill vegetables.
For The Vegans
We don’t kill because bullets are man made.
For The Avid Book Reader
We only kill Kindles.
For The Kindle User
What’s the Wi-Fi password here?
For The Apple Owner
We only kill Android phone sales.
For The Android Believer
Turn my phone off it’s too hot! Which battery is this? Which battery is this??!
For The Harry Potter Heads
We only kill Dementors…with a Patronus Charm! Am I right?
For The Broadway Buff
“…Look him in the eye, aim no higher. Summon all the courage you require. Then count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 Number 10 paces, Fire!—” *
For The Film Aficionado
High angle long shot on car, zoom to eye level, extreme close up to reveal….bam…it’s empty. Rain beats down on the hood….
For People Of Color
(I’m uh….I’m not sure what can be said here regarding guns and shooting without it ending badly sooooo…)
For The Las Vegas Enthusiast
What happens inside my gun, stays inside my gun.
For The Nurse
(Yeah, no, this is also not a good time…I mean….that’s like…that’s like an entirely different post altogether.)
For The Basketball Fan
We only kill in the championships! Unless we don’t like our teammates. Then we just move.
For The Football Fan
(Takes a knee) You know, this is exactly what I was protesting about when…..
Or maybe just say…
Don’t worry, ma’am. I know you’re nervous. I’m not going to shoot you.
…because that helps too.
You know I’m right.
*”The World Was Wide Enough” Hamilton: An American Musical, Lin-Manuel Miranda, 2015