I Called Alabama After the Break Up

(Ring….Ring…Ring)

ALABAMA:
(Sobs)
Hello?

ME:
Oh…honey, hi. Are you OK?

ALABAMA:
(Sobs)
Yes.

ME:
Yeah…you don’t sound like it. I figured you’d be upset.

ALABAMA:
(Sobs)
He’s gone!

ME:
I know, sweetheart. I heard.

ALABAMA:
(Sobs)
He said he wasn’t going to. He said I didn’t have anything to worry about.

ME:
Well, his track record for telling the truth is shotty, sooo…

ALABAMA:
(Sniffs)
My next relationship will be so much better.

ME:
Oh, bless your heart.

ALABAMA:
(Sniffs)
And I’m going to make sure that I—

ME:
Alabama, listen. Maybe you should just take a break.

ALABAMA:
What?

ME:
You need to take a break.

ALABAMA:
Why?

ME:
Well, hun…, out of the last 4 relationships you had…2 of them went to prison. Three of the last seven, actually.

ALABAMA:
So!

ME:
So…you think, maybe you don’t need to pick for a little while…just maybe?

ALABAMA:
I’m great at picking!

ME:
Are you? Really?

ALABAMA:
Name one bad pick—

ME:
The most recent one!

ALABAMA:
Bobby’s personal life doesn’t affect—

ME:
Sweetie, he used your money!

ALABAMA:
Allegedly!

ME:
He admitted it! Al, c’mon. You guys were about to break up anyway.

ALABAMA:
Maybe…you don’t know that.

ME:
(Sigh) Admit it. You don’t pick good boyfriends.

ALABAMA:
That’s just one!

ME:
Fine! Call any of your exes’ names randomly. I’ll prove it.

ALABAMA:
What about Guy?

ME:
Mr. “misappropriation of funds?”

ALABAMA:
Those countertops and that lawnmower were gorgeous!

ME:
At what cost? Prison?

ALABAMA:
Well…Donny, then.

ME:
Don? Really? Money troubles. Again! Prison. Again!

ALABAMA:
That didn’t happen while we were together!

ME:
Oh, of course!

ALABAMA:
That’s the only three that’ve had to do time.

ME:
That doesn’t mean I’m wrong about how terrible you are at picking.

ALABAMA:
What about Fob?

ME:
Honey, you guys got together and then he switched on you in the middle of the relationship. You were confused and angry. That’s how you ended up with Don.

(silence) 

ALABAMA:
There’s George. He and I were together for 16 years.

(silence)

ME:
(stutters)
Like—like seriously? You’re seriously using George?

ALABAMA:
He might have been a little—

ME:
The National Guard had to get involved at one point. Remember?

(silence)

ME:
I just think you may want to take a moment and reflect. Who knows? Maybe you’ll…change your party—I mean mind. I meant mind…sorry.

ALABAMA:
I’ll think about it.

ME:
Good, sweetie. That’s all I want.

ALABAMA:
I’m glad we talked.

ME:
Me too. Love you—except your racist past.

ALABAMA:
Awww….parts of me love you too.

ME:
I know. Ok. Bye, now.

ALABAMA:
Bye.

(Click)
(Dials)

(Ring…Ring…Ring…)

AMERICA:
(Sobs)
Hello?

ME:
Oh…sweetie. You still having a hard time?

AMERICA:
(sobs)    
He said he’d make me great. I’m not great yet, am I?

ME:
No, honey. No.

(End scene) 

You know I’m right.

-Danita LaShelle

 

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