(Chime)

“Good morning, students, teachers and staff. This is Principal Sax with your morning announcements.

Please be advised that this will be the last month of the free lunch program. Also, all music, theatre and dance classes will be postponed until further notice. Our PTA is literally, literally, bleeding money and we can’t afford to fund these frivolous classes anymore. If any students are found in the hallway upset about this, they will face detention, and we will pull that student’s teacher’s classroom stipend.

Congratulations to the Business Club on their brand new, state of the art, tour bus. Enjoy it. It’ll come in very handy if you all ever decide to use it.

I’m excited to announce that we have a new head of curriculum, Mrs. Misty Devereux. She’s coming to us from the top management team at the fast food restaurant across the street. We have been enjoying the free meals she’s been sending our administration for years. She has a real passion for the kids’ meals, so I knew she’d be fantastic at making sure our school meets all state and national requirements.

Please be advised that Mr. Tatum’s class, Mr. Motley’s class, Ms. Jenkins class, Ms. Ames class, and Ms. Jordan’s class are still banned from the lunch room due to that unfortunate incident that happened sixteen years ago involving a student from Mr. Morton’s class. While this may seem sudden and ill advised, we want to make sure that our lunchroom is a pleasant place to eat.

In completely unrelated news: my condolences to anyone involved in the food fight yesterday. Our thoughts and prayers are with those that were injured. The perpetrator of this outrageous act was working alone. And although he came from Mr. Morton’s class, it was a complete and total surprise.

As you know our football team has an epic game on Friday. I don’t know against who, I’m not totally sure where, but I’m confident we will win. Go Warriors!

Lastly, the 45th Annual Science Fair has been cancelled.

Please be aware that I will be going around the school with my trusty sticky note pad to leave notes about everyone’s performance. However, just so you’ll know, any teacher that doesn’t agree with what I’m saying is a terrible teacher.

Let’s have a great, great day. Our school is great. Everybody wants to go to it. And I am the greatest principal this school has ever had.

Ok. I’m finished….is it off? How do I turn it off? What button? I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t need you telling me what buttons to pu—”

‘Bout midway through you started reading it in his voice.

Yes you did.

You know I’m right.

-Danita LaShelle