To whom it may concern.
I am writing on behalf of Malcolm Hux– Let’s be honest; you’re not going to read this. You’re just going to file it in the kid’s folder for proof that he actually followed directions. I could go into all the things that you pretty much outlined in your website guidelines, but why? The fact that I’m even writing this should let you know that the student is worth it. I mean seriously, does anyone ever ask for a recommendation letter from a professor who’s going to say something bad? Honestly, that’s the kid I want to go to my college; the kid that has the balls to ask for a recommendation from a person they know will give them a terrible letter. That shows guts.
So, what do you want? The kid’s grades not enough to prove they belong in the program? Are you actually going to reject someone if they “don’t work well with others?” Is that even a bad thing? Who likes working on group projects? Come to think of it, what professor still assigns group projects? You and I both know that group projects are a lame attempt to cut down on paperwork and keep us from having to grade thirty research papers. The secret is already out on that one, buddy.
And since we’re being honest, why can’t I just fill out multiple choice questions? How many applicants could you speed through if all you had to do was Scantron that thing? Those are the guys that are winning; the Scantron guys.
Okay, so…Malcolm, I’m supposed to talk about him. He’s a cool kid, I guess. Bit of a square, frankly. He does absolutely no wrong, and everything he touches he gets right. He literally fails at nothing! He bores me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a phenomenal person, but if you want flavor…this ain’t the kid. Sure, he’s great for your statistics…but he’s going to be that way no matter what. If you want some true diversity, you should get Theo; that dude never comes to class; but when he does, blows my mind. Seriously, Theo is your guy.
I’m not really sure how to end these things. So…I hope you’re having a great day and enjoying your coffee, or whatever you’re drinking. Have a great life? Is that what I should say here? I have no idea.
You don’t really care who I am unless I’ve got published books, and I don’t.
This is the part where my degree letters should go, but you don’t really care about this either unless it’s PhD….I won’t give you the satisfaction.
This is the part where I let you know my secretary wrote it.