It doesn’t matter what gender, race, or creed, everyone travels with a certain group of friends. Your close-knit circle, your girls, your boys, your “homies,” your “ride or die” (as people on the interwebs call ‘em). These are the people that you are the most comfortable around—these are the people in your group.
The Oscar Winner
Everything, at any time, is the best or worst thing to happen to this person. Whenever they arrive to a gathering they will: announce themselves, remark on how easy and or hard it was to get there, and why they had the best and or worse day up until that point. Everyone in the group is always glad when this friend gets a significant other, only to loathe it the next second. Their breakups are always the worst ever; even though they are getting out of the worst relationship with the “craziest” person they’ve ever dated…only to regret it later. Other friends will worry how this friend will take “the news” of any significant event; however, they prove to be the most empathetic to everyone’s situation.
Key Phrases: “I just feel like the universe…” “Do I have _______ written on my forehead?” “…but of course it’s me, so…”
The Duct Tape
They are the reason the group is even together. Personality wise, nobody else would connect with anybody else if it weren’t for this person. It’s their house that’s used as the universal meeting place, their car that’s used as transportation, their idea for the surprise party, etc. They also relay information from one friend to the next in case of emergencies, deaths in the family, or when everybody needs to be rounded up during an interventional crisis. Most times, they are the only one in the wedding party to give a thoughtful gift, but not so great at the toast because they will get emotional.
Key Phrases: “Isn’t this great?” “That’s wassup,” “You my boy, for real.”
At any moment, on any given day, they will be ready to fight. And while this will be an excellent trait to possess in certain situations, it likely only flairs up in the situations where it is the least needed. Waiter gets the order wrong—they will get loud with him or her. Person stares at the group too long—they will get loud with him or her. This friend will be the first to also do the following: accuse someone’s significant other of cheating, then suggest revenge; accuse the government of trying to oppress or cheat them, then suggest revenge; accuse any system of being fixed, and then, of course, suggest revenge. While you spend most of the time trying to calm them down, you’ll always call them when you know there’ll be a fight.
Key Phrases: “Let’s go, then!” “Come at me, bro!” “Why you all in my business?” “Oh, you want to hit people with garbage cans?”*
The Danger Mouse
When it’s their turn to pick the group activity, all bets are off. Almost every group outing, under their suggestion, will turn into a story of survival. This friend has amazing stories that include but are not limited to: “that time I got arrested,” “that time I almost got shot,” “that time I almost got caught,” and “that time the police…” (almost always includes the interchangeable phrase “that time at this club/bar.”) This friend appears after 3pm on a daily basis, which, more often than not, can be attributed to their hangover from the night before. If the group is ever talked into an activity by this individual, this friend will always get lost in the crowd, thereby leaving the rest of the group to experience the worst possible situation in the worst possible way. They, however, will reemerge victorious with another great story, while the rest of the group has to sort through their court appearance dates. For whatever reason, this doesn’t get them kicked out of the group.
Key Phrase: “You know what we should do?”
The only people that know this friend exists are the people in your group. This friend is usually on their way to, or coming back from, another one of their wild adventures. Often, they have to turn down a get-together because something just came up. If a person outside your clique asks what this friend does for a living, you literally have no idea, although you’ve heard them describe it several times usually involving the words “sales,” “corporation,” “torts,” “attorney,” “government contracting,” and/or “financial.” Most of the suggestions they bring up as a group activity are unaffordable…although occasionally they will utter those sweet words “Don’t worry, I got it.” Everyone in the group loves referring to “My friend ________,” even though you know in your heart people outside of your circle will never, ever meet this person.
Key Phrases: “I just got back from ________.” “I can’t, I have to fly out tomorrow.” “I met [insert super famous celebrity but with casual overtones] last year.”
The Venn diagram
This friend runs in several circles. They frequently get confused as to which circle they are currently in; this fact is usually revealed when they retell a story you’ve already heard, or swearing they’ve told you a story you’ve never heard. They usually insist that you know their other friends even though you’ve only met them in passing. This friend always describes their other friends through physical characteristics under the false idea that it will help you understand the story better, (i.e. “You know Dwayne! Flip-up glasses, engineering major Dwayne.”) which never works. They know everyone at the party they invited you to, even though they didn’t personally receive the invite. Need an awkward, tangible item? They know somebody! And if they don’t know that person “personally,” they know someone who does.
Key Phrase: “The other day, I was talking to my friend ______”
Let’s be honest, every group has a parental figure, and this is that friend. It’s not an exaggeration that 98.9% of the advice they give is dead on. They have difficulty with pesky emotions like sympathy, largely due to the fact that what they are being asked to sympathize with is a result of advice somebody in the group didn’t take. Although they rarely (if ever) say the words “I told you so,” they have a way of staring the phrase into your soul. Almost every person in the group has kept a huge secret from this person, and has uttered the phrase “Please don’t tell _______.” However, the group is convinced that this friend is psychic because of their uncanny ability to not only know everything that is going on, but how long, and who’s involved. Everyone outside the group views this friend as the most unapproachable and unfun, but everyone inside the group knows better. This is almost always the designated driver and the person that shows up to bail everyone out after Danger Mouse has completely ruined everyone’s evening.
Key Phrases: “And how’s that working for you?” “What possessed you to…” “Ok.” “Get in the car.”
These are your people.
You love them…
and they love you.
Image Source: stress.lovetoknow.com
*Harlem Nights (1989)