Tips For The College Student (that are otherwise useless but still fun to read.)


Ah, college: the place where your professors will try to convince you is the real world (it isn’t). So here you are, moving away from home for the first time, thinking the world is your oyster (it’s not), and that you are the center of your universe (you’re not.) Here is just a short list of 112 Danitaisms (because it’s me) that are almost definitely true about college.

Danitaism #1: If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend more than 45 minutes away from your school, no matter how much you “love” them, it won’t last.
Danitaism # 2: Unless you are a special case, you never keep (or like for that matter) your first roommate.
Danitaism # 3: College 8:00 a.m. is earlier than High School 8:00 a.m.
Danitaism # 4: Although going door to door to ask for money has been beneath, you’ll do it in your dormitory.
Danitaism # 5: The value of a quarter is greater than it has ever been before
Danitaism # 6: The majority of your friends Freshman Year are none of your friends your Senior Year
Danitaism # 7: The only time in your educational career that you hope and pray for a C and rejoice over receiving it.
Danitaism # 8: You will learn that you can solely survive on microwave popcorn, 20 ounce bottles of soda, and cereal for at least a week.
Danitaism # 9: During exam week, coffee is your new best friend.
Danitaism # 10: Although your parents give you money every month, you never have enough money, and in retrospect you have no idea what happened to the money you had.
Danitaism # 11: The time between breakfast and lunch never seemed so long
Danitaism # 12: The time between lunch and dinner never seemed so long
Danitaism # 13: The time between dinner and breakfast never seemed so long
Danitaism # 14: If it plugs into the wall, you and your roommate are going to fight about it
Danitaism # 15: Although you balk at the idea of taking Physics, you will accomplish comfortably fitting eleven of your friends into your very small, four passenger car.
Danitaism # 16: Staying up for twenty-four hours, then functioning the next day, is no longer impossible (Note: This only works in college.)
Danitaism # 17: Starting and completing a twelve page paper the night before it’s due is no longer a preposterous idea and may even become a way of life.
Danitaism # 18: Declaring what you’re going to do for the rest of your life cannot be decided in the Freshman Proficiency Exam.
Danitaism # 19: Unless you’re a special case, your first college boyfriend/girlfriend is NOT the love of your life.
Danitaism # 20: Piling into a Ford Focus with eleven of your friends for an impromptu spring break trip will seem like an ingenious idea.
Danitaism # 21: After cafeteria food, your mother is a world class chef
Danitaism # 22: If the school’s class manual is not your best friend, you won’t graduate.
Danitaism # 23: No matter how “state of the art” the Registration process is, mistakes will be made.
Danitaism # 24: After successfully convincing yourself that you can “wing it” on a major exam, the first four questions will prove otherwise.
Danitaism # 25: At least one friend will have a ridiculously old model of a video gaming system in their room.
Danitaism # 26: Sleepovers are no longer childish
Danitaism # 27: Ramen Noodles are a gourmet dinner.
Danitaism # 28: Sweatpants. Enough said.
Danitaism # 29: If you’ve never been a note taker, you will be.
Danitaism # 30: Suddenly, the library is a cool place to hang out.
Danitaism # 31: You will become a new fan of a cartoon television show.
Danitaism # 32: You will always know when the board of trustees is coming for a visit.
Danitaism # 33: You will rely on your most untrustworthy friend to take good notes on the day you skip class.
Danitaism # 34: In your hardest class, the day before your professor turns in your final grade, you will become the ultimate negotiator.
Danitaism # 35: You are not, under any circumstances, a real adult.
Danitaism # 36: Even though a credit card with a high limit for “emergencies” seems like a good idea at the time; it’s not.
Danitaism # 37: In college, Pizza is an emergency.
Danitaism # 38: Freshman year: Your “Coolest” professor is never your hardest professor.
Danitaism # 39: You’ll have no problem bringing strangers home for Thanksgiving Dinner.
Danitaism # 40: The word “test” takes on a new, lighter meaning.
Danitaism # 41: The word “exam” will strike fear in your heart.
Danitaism # 42: You will pray your greatest prayers five minutes before an exam you didn’t study for.
Danitaism # 43: No matter how cold the winters were in your hometown, winters in your college state are colder when you have to walk to class.
Danitaism # 44: If there is a sufficient amount of snow on the ground, and there is a crowd outside of your dorm/cafeteria/class building, unless you want to get dirty, wet, or injured, go the other way.
Danitaism # 45: If there’s a chance that the thing you’re about to do can go horribly awry and cause disciplinary action and an awkward explanation to your parents, don’t do it.
Danitaism # 46: Despite Danitaism # 45 you will listen to the friend that tells you “Nothing can possibly go wrong.” (Note: It’s the same friend in Danitaism # 33.)
Danitaism # 47: Your parents are suddenly old, out of touch and stupid.
Danitaism # 48: Everyone else’s mom and dad become everyone else’s mom and dad.
Danitaism # 49: Having a car freshman year will generate more “friends”.
Danitaism # 50: One of your friends will be able to successfully hide an unauthorized animal in their room for a whole school year; and you will help them.
Danitaism # 51: The phobia you have about dirty bathrooms will be brutally tested.
Danitaism # 52: There will be at least one week where you and your friends will eat at the unnamed diner near your school EVERY SINGLE DAY
Danitaism # 53: You’ll get tired of your favorite unnamed diner near your school.
Danitaism # 54: Everyone in your dorm can smell a hot pizza, hot wings and Chinese food through the walls and floors.
Danitaism # 55: Contrary to popular belief, your professor didn’t cover everything on the midterm.
Danitaism #56: The word “clique” is synonymous with the word “major”.
Danitaism # 57: That professor you really need to talk to is never in his/her office.
Danitaism # 58: In your infinite wisdom you’ll miss pre-registration at least once.
Danitaism# 59: You’ll have four times as much stuff to take home summer break, and you’ll never remember how that happened.
Danitaism # 60: You’ll have that one friend in the dorm that installed their own carpet.
Danitaism # 61: The class everyone tells you not to take is taught by the best professor on campus.
Danitaism # 62: The theatre, dance and art majors are always weird. (I know this for a fact.)
Danitaism # 63: Unless you are a science major, science is no longer a “cool class” to take.
Danitaism # 64: The harder you try not to look like a freshman, the more you look like a freshman.
Danitaism # 65: No matter how hard your whole class promises in freshman orientation, they won’t ALL be graduating together.
Danitaism # 66: Your college nicknames stay with you beyond death
Danitaism # 67: Your college reputation stays with you beyond death.
Danitaism # 68: The “friend” that you tell in “confidence” what sorority or fraternity you want to pledge will end up being your Dean of Pledges.
Danitaism #69: Giving out your Netflix password will prove to be your worse mistake.
Danitaism # 70: At the end of Freshman Orientation, some freshman will be dating each other exclusively.
Danitaism # 71: At the end of first semester freshman year, some freshman will be engaged to each other.
Danitaism # 72: Neither of the couples in Danitaism # 70   or # 71   will last.
Danitaism # 73: Any heartbreak you receive will seem greater than a Shakespearean tragedy.
Danitaism # 74: You will conceive the greatest lies to cover for your roommate.
Danitaism # 75: The friend who knows everything about everything knows absolutely nothing about anything.
Danitaism # 76: Some of your greatest memories will be made in the cafeteria.
Danitaism # 77: Most of the pranks and stunts pulled off in college would get most people arrested in the real world.
Danitaism # 78: Sometimes your intended major isn’t the major you intended.
Danitaism # 79: The person that makes their sorority/fraternity their sole identity was nobody to begin with.
Danitaism # 80: The night you decide to have quiet time in your room is the night your roommate invites all their friends over.
Danitaism # 81: The foolproof cheating strategy for an exam is never professor proof.
Danitaism # 82: Your favorite dorm director is the one that lets you get away with anything shy of murder
Danitaism # 83: Your favorite dorm director usually isn’t employed for very long.
Danitaism # 84: Everyone needs to get off campus once every few weeks, even if it’s just a trip to McDonald’s.
Danitaism # 85: No matter if it’s Religious, State, Private or Community College, you can find trouble if you’re looking for it.
Danitaism # 86: Surround yourself with people who go to class.
Danitaism # 87: A good friend will drag you out of bed.
Danitaism # 88: There will always be a fight at a gym party
Danitaism # 89: There is always that one student who swears that their favorite singer/rapper isn’t an artist but a “lyrical genius”.
Danitaism # 90: If you are super neat, your roommate is almost always super dirty.
Danitaism # 91: If your roommate is super neat, take note of your side of the room
Danitaism # 92: If you don’t know the guy that is overly philosophical when they’re drunk or high, you are that person.
Danitaism # 93: There will always be one dish that is unrecognizable and equally uneatable in the cafeteria.
Danitaism # 94: The weird guy that wears his pajamas to breakfast isn’t crazy after all.
Danitaism # 95: You won’t know some people’s real names until graduation day.
Danitaism # 96: If the word “historical” is used to describe your dorm, it means that it’s old…very old.
Danitaism # 97: If you can imagine getting up everyday and doing it for free, major in it.
Danitaism # 98: After reinstating the “nap,” you’ll never understand why you stopped taking them after kindergarten.
Danitaism # 99: Procrastination practiced in high school is perfected in college
Danitaism # 100: The “Party of the Year” is always the night before a major exam.
Danitaism # 101: The friend that gets A’s in every class and “never studies”, actually studies when you don’t.
Danitaism # 102: You will have at least one drama-fabulous friend who believes that every single thing that happens to them is the best or worst thing that has ever happened in their life.
Danitaism # 103: The geeky guy that tells you that he writes everyone’s names down who is mean to him, take him seriously.
Danitaism # 104: The first nice day of spring, everyone skips their afternoon classes.
Danitaism # 105: Don’t be afraid to talk to the administration if you think your professor has gone too far.
Danitaism # 106: In implementing Danitaism # 105 make sure you’re not on a bandwagon
Danitaism # 107: Your study group from class will always study; your study group of friends will never study.
Danitaism # 108: You just can’t beat a late night get together in the dorm with your closest friends.
Danitaism: # 109: Whenever you graduate is on time for you.
Danitaism # 110: Although you should believe in Danitaism # 109, beyond seven years is unacceptable.
Danitaism # 111: Although you should always want to learn never make a career out of getting an education.
Danitaism # 112: The loan people call the day after graduation; get a scholarship.

-Danita LaShelle


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