The Role You Play In Your Awful Relationship

If you’re being honest with yourself, you are not happy with your current relationship. You can’t put your finger on it, but you just aren’t happy. However, your friends know…and they’ve been trying to tell you–it’s you. You don’t want to accept it, but it’s the truth. You know how I know it’s you? Because every time you talk about your significant other to one of your best friends,  your best friend raises their eyebrow. And while your terrible relationships probably have many “professional” titles and explanations, I have pretty much narrowed you down to one of five people.

The Excuser

You’re that person that wants very specific things in your relationship, but manage to make excuses about why the person you’re with doesn’t do it.

  • “Oh, it’s totally fine. He’s not into Valentine’s Day like that, he loves me everyday.”
  • “I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days, but he’s just not a phone person.”
  • “He’s just not a big holiday person.”
  • “He just prefers to spend time with me and not have to share me with my friends.”
  • “He doesn’t believe in labels.”

Does any of this sound familiar? Here’s what your friends won’t tell you: You sound ridiculous. Somehow you have equated “compromising” with “conceding.” And don’t pretend that it wasn’t always like this; you knew all of these things before you convinced yourself he was the person for you. News flash: he isn’t.

The Accuser

You remember that last relationship you got out of where you dated that piece of excrement? You remember! And by the time you got done, your friends threw a party because they were so happy you came out of that horrible thing with your sanity somewhat still in tact…. only you didn’t. And now you’re with this incredible new guy and you’ve done the following things:

  • Followed his car
  • Checked his email
  • Checked his text messages
  • Searched his apartment.
  • Showed up at his job unannounced pretending that you wanted to have lunch.
  • Showed up at his apartment/house unannounced.
  • Sat outside his house for hours when you saw a car you didn’t recognize.
  • Purposely curved his closest female friend even though she’s not into him like that
  • Convinced him his closest female friend is trying to holler at him.
  • Convinced yourself he’s trying to holler at her.
  • Convinced yourself he’s trying to holler at your friends.
  • Convinced yourself he’s trying to holler at random strangers

But you’ve been wrong.

And you’ll say, “Well, I’m not accusing him of anything.” But that’s not true. Every single thing that you’ve done is a tiny accusation. Chill out! If you feel like it’s necessary to do any of the above, you don’t belong in the relationship. “But what if I’m right?” Same thing.

The “Wrapper”

You love him. You just love him so much. And you know when people meet him they will love him too; so you bring him everywhere.

  •  Girl’s night out? He’d love to come and meet your friends
  • Dinner with your folks to celebrate your dad’s birthday? Of course he’s there.
  • Shoe shopping? Your “Honey Bunny,” wouldn’t miss it for the world.
  • Lunch with your best friend from high school? He’d love to!
  • Bestie having a crisis and needs a friend right now? He’s waiting in the car!

You have literally wrapped your entire life around your relationship. This means one of two problems exist: Either he’s controlling, or you have the inability to maintain your individuality. You are enough! If you find that your significant other is blowing a gasket because you all aren’t sharing every waking moment together…run away. Fast! If he’s ok with being around you every waking moment—the same advice applies!

The Adapter

Oh, you. You’ve been telling yourself that you need to be more flexible. In fact, you’re the same person whose friend (who is also single and has been in a string of terrible relationships) has convinced you that you’re too picky.

  • Even though you’re a quiet, shy, introvert, he insists on making that loud bar around the corner you all’s hangout spot.
  • His mom hates women who___________, (which is something you always do) so you make sure you suppress or change whenever you’re in her presence.
  • You’re not a night person, but he insists that it’s the only time he can talk, ultimately disrupting your sleeping pattern that you love so much.
  • That artist that you love so much that you have every ticket stub from all the concerts and own every single CD, but he hates them…. so you don’t play or talk about it when he’s around.

STOP IT! Just like “the excuser” you have convinced yourself that you are compromising, when in all actuality you are losing what makes you who you are.

“But I want to make sure he’s comfortable,” you say. Ok….but when is the last time he did the same for you? I rest my case.

The Shape-Shifter

Sweetheart, you concern me the most. The vibrant, outgoing, happy person with your friends is immediately replaced by an introverted, shy “whatever you like,” person when he comes around. And there’s no list for this one, just a question that you’ve heard time and time again:

“Are you ok?”

Your parents have noticed, your friends have even noticed; you are not the same person when he’s around. I’m almost willing to bet that you two have had conversations about how your “behavior” embarrasses him. Here’s a dose of reality: Anytime you have to have a conversation about you having to change without the other person making any changes, you’re being abused. I know that’s a tough pill to swallow, but I’m not the only person that has said this to you. Everybody can’t be wrong.

The Surrogate

You! I’ve been tempted to interrupt your dinner at a nice restaurant to tell you about yourself. You’re a soul destroyer. Yep, I said it. If you look him in his eyes, the fire is out, he’s just with you because he doesn’t have another option…right now. And how did you get here? (I’m just pretending you asked because more than likely you didn’t.) Because you’ve done the following things:

  • Told him how to manage his money
  • Told him how to stand or sit.
  • Told him how to dress…for every occasion.
  • Convinced him to change his style, much to his chagrin…and he hates it…still.
  • Tried to introduce him to new people in effort to get rid of his current friends.
  • Forced him to change his eating habits because you’ve changed yours according to a post you saw on social media that one time.
  • Made passive aggressive attempts to force him to like something that you like.
  • Criticized him in front of people that you know.
  • Criticized his whole-hearted attempt to try to do something nice for you.
  • Uttered the phrase, “Well, if you like it/them/her/him/ so much then I guess you two need to be in a relationship!”
  • Purposely interrupted the one thing he loves to do because you don’t think it’s all that important. (FYI: If he owned any video game system, or sports paraphernalia when you met…get over yourself.)

You’re basically his mom. And not even a good mom; you’re like his terrible mom. And yeah, he might still be around now…but it’s only a matter of time. Here’s some truth: If you enter a relationship with the goal of making the other person better, you are a terrible person. Contrary to popular belief, terrible people aren’t happy.

The Replacement

You’re the one that shows up while he’s still in another relationship.

Don’t. Just don’t.

 

You know I’m right.

-Danita LaShelle

 

 

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