Everything I’ve Ever Needed to Know About Crime I Learned From “Investigation Discovery”

If you give me a bag of microwave popcorn and a remote, I’m going to turn to Investigation Discovery. It never starts off like that, but it always ends that way. To say I’m addicted to ID (that’s what we IDers call it) may be a bit of an understatement. And yet one evening around hour number six ( don’t judge me, I work from home) I realized I have learned some valuable lessons. Being the kind of gal I am (is that ok to say? Gal?) I decided to pass these lessons on to you. You’re Welcome.

So, after countless hours of watching “Investigation Discovery”, if any of your loved ones or someone close to you suspiciously disappears, the following sixty-five things are true:

  1. If you were married to them, you’re a suspect.
  2. If you were dating them, you’re a suspect.
  3. If you argued with them the night before they disappeared, you’re a suspect.
  4. If you’ve ever argued with them, you’re a suspect.
  5. If you’re their handsome next door neighbor, that doesn’t hold liquor well, you’re a suspect.
  6. If you were married to them, and it isn’t your first marriage, you’re a suspect.
  7. If you asked them out and they said “no,”you’re a suspect,
  8. If you have a police record, you’re a suspect.
  9. If you have a record, but it’s sealed because you were a juvenile, you’re a suspect.
  10. If you’re the beneficiary of their life insurance policy, you’re a person of interest… but if you took that policy out 30 days prior to their disappearance, you’re a suspect.
  11. If you don’t freak out when you’re told of the disappearance, you’re a suspect.
  12. If you have to be restrained when you’re told of the disappearance, you’re a suspect.
  13. If you called 911, but you were panicky, you’re a suspect.
  14. If you called 911, but you were too calm, you’re a suspect.
  15. If you don’t report the person missing before a certain time, you’re a suspect.
  16. If you report the person missing too soon, yep, you’re a suspect.
  17. If you used to date, but have since moved on with your life…suspect.
  18. If you used to date, but feel like they’re the one that got away…you guessed it…suspect.
  19. If the courting period before your actual wedding was 4 weeks or less…you’re a suspect.
  20. If you are broke, but they were a millionaire….you’re a suspect.
  21. If you’re a millionaire, but they were broke….suspect.
  22. If you’re the black sheep of the family…suspect.
  23. Favorite of the family? You’re a suspect.
  24. If you have a plane ticket to prove you weren’t anywhere near the crime scene, you’re a person of interest…unless the city is drivable in one night, then you’re a suspect.
  25. If you discovered the crime scene, you’re a suspect.
  26. If you find the actual person, but they’ve come to their demise, you’re a suspect.
  27. Known on the street by just your nickname? You’re a suspect.
  28. If you drive an SUV of any color, make or model, you’re a suspect.
  29. If you have a history of watching and studying crime shows, you’re a suspect.
  30. If you were currently going through a very bitter divorce with them…(dancing) tah-dah, suspect.
  31. Are you a construction worker? Ccongratulations, you’re also a suspect.
  32. Having an affair with them? Oh my yes, you’re a suspect.
  33. Knew about the affair between them and your spouse? Ha! Buddy, you are a suspect.
  34. Didn’t know about the affair? Doesn’t matter, you’re a suspect.
  35. If you’re a bit of a recluse, you’re a suspect.
  36. If you have massive amounts of debt, you’re a suspect.
  37. If they were pregnant with your kid, but you kinda weren’t sure, you’re a suspect; totally sure? Still a suspect.
  38. If you’re former law enforcement, military or had any job in forensics, (singing) SUSPECT!!!
  39. Overprotective dad? Suspect.
  40. Underprotective dad…you guessed it…you’re a suspect.
  41. Mother-in-law. You’re a suspect.
  42. Seen hitting on them at the bar the night before everything happens? (laughing) You are so a suspect.
  43. Disgruntled employee? Ah, you’re a person of interest…..unless you were recently fired,then you’re a suspect.
  44. Unexpectedly left town after the incident occurred and return claiming you have no idea that anything happened to anyone…………..(whispering) suspect.
  45. If this is the second or third person of people in your life that have turned up missing, get yourself together, you’re a suspect.
  46. Nervous during interrogation? You’re a suspect.
  47. Calm during the interrogation? You’re a suspect.
  48. Starving artist? Starving suspect.
  49. Musician who has lyrics to songs that eerily match-up with the incident, you…are..a.suspect, suspect.
  50. Volunteer for the lie detector test? Shame on you, suspect.
  51. Don’t volunteer for the lie detector test? How dare you, you suspect.
  52. Received the ransom call? Of course you did, you suspect.
  53. No ransom call?! Of course there wasn’t, you filthy suspect.
  54. Are you the hired help, you are sooo totally a supect.
  55. Are you the least likely person to be a suspect? Sorry, the police in your small town are lazy, so you’re now the main suspect.
  56. Own a gun? you’re a suspect.
  57. Own a gun, but don’t know where it is? You’re a suspect.
  58. Own a gun, but don’t know where it is? But you reported it missing to police several weeks before the incident, clever thinking–suspect.
  59. Is one of your kitchen knives missing? You’re a suspect.
  60. Doing renovation or cleaning your house and it smells a little like bleach when the police come to interview you? Mmmm hmmm, suspect.
  61. Own a farm? I bet you do, you suspect.
  62. Devout religious person? more like devout suspect.
  63. Recently unemployed?…suspect
  64. Been unemployed for a while? Awww, my sincerest apologies, you’re a suspect.
  65. Ever been questioned in a similar case? Oh look, now you’re a suspect

But if you can’t answer yes to any of these things….you have nothing to worry about.

Stay vigilant my friends!


-Danita LaShelle

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